Editors Note: Meet our newest contributor; Thomas Simpson. Tommy uses his sense of humor to address what is happening around us today. You know, sometimes you just have to laugh to keep from shaking your head. So, sit back and enjoy Tommy’s new column; For What It’s Worth.
Back in 1995, Skee-Lo rapped in his hit song, “I Wish” that, “I wish I was taller.” Well, according to Cosmopolitan Magazine, “Barbie Feet” Is the Instagram Trend That Is Making Legit Look 10 Feet Tall. So, wherever Skee-Lo is today, he can rest in the fact that all he has to do now to be taller is stand on his tippy-toes. Little did Jeb Bush know that he was the hippest candidate for president when he posed for a group picture in 2016, and was caught “Barbie Feeting.” Good ole’ Jeb was Barbie, before being Barbie was cool.
On Wednesday August 15th, Atlanta Braves Outfielder Ronald Acuna, Jr. was hit by the first pitch of the game by Miami Marlins pitcher, Jose Urena. The consensus is the he acted independently of the rest of the team; and decided to take Ronald down a peg or two. For context, Ronald Acuna had leadoff homeruns in 3 straight games, homers in 5 in a row and 7 of 8. So, you know, he deserved to be hit with a 97.5 mile per hour fast ball, aimed straight at his elbow. In the next printing of the official Webster’s Dictionary, the word “coward” will be accompanied by a nice mug shot of Jose Urena. Speaking of mug shots, I wonder what would happen to any other average dude on the street if he decided to start throwing hard fastballs at random passersby. They would probably be suspended from walking down said street for six days.
The average life span of a man in the United States is 78 years. Therefore, I have less than half my life left to live. That means a few things. First, I have reached the point in my life that I waiver between treadmilling my “dad-bod” gut and just slithering down from the couch to the floor with Cheetos dust on my white t-shirt. Second, whenever I tell myself, “I’ll just eat half of my shrimp fried rice. Six minutes later, I am regretting the empty plate staring back at me. Third, I am tired of being told that coffee and chocolate are bad for me. Bad for me in what way, exactly? After all, my life is quickly slipping away. I’ve got to start eating more chocolate.